The Floaters: Please Step This Way For Your New Career

To all you mortgage losers who got in during the boom and (almost but not quite) got out when it went bust: Please Step This Way For Your New Career!

They’re still out there, floating on the fringes of the mortgage business, behaving almost as badly as they did “back in the day.” These are the losers who got into the mortgage business immediately before and during the fantasy boom which ultimately led to the mortgage meltdown of 2007. They ignored the fundamentals of mortgage underwriting and joined the feeding frenzy of taking homeowners and homebuyers on the Sub-Prime ride to hell.

These idiots are still hanging on for dear life, attempting to find a foothold and stay in the game.

Newsflash:the game is over. Thank goodness.

When I say they’re still trying to hold on, what I mean is, they’re either still representing themselves as “being in the business” or they’re answering employment ads for Loan Officers. The fact is they have a day job and maybe they have some odd part-time status at a mortgage company. These fools are not working full time originating mortgage loans and keeping up to date with the rapidly changing market conditions to approve and close mortgage loans.

As to the first group of losers, well, I’ve spoken about them already. They still call themselves mortgage professionals even though they’re really and truly out of the business and working a day job at the local Big Box store. They interfere with the normal commerce of mortgage business when they try to sink their teeth into a potential mortgage application, claiming to the poor unwitting consumer how they have “special programs” available to help the consumer get a mortgage loan. Interference it is, truly, because these idiots are still making promises that can’t be kept: offering to provide “Stated Income” loans when no such program exists. Or offering to qualify someone with $40,000 income for a $500,000 mortgage when there isn’t a calculator on the Planet Earth that will do such math.

The second group of morons answer our company’s ads seeking Loan Officers. These yo-yo’s come into our office claiming to be experienced when they can neither spell nor define terms such as FHA or LTV. Then they lay claim to be capable of becoming the top producer in our shop in no time in the toughest real estate market in history. Then the kicker: they want a signing bonus, a salary plus commission and all kinds of employment benefits.

Look, LOSER, I started in the business 19 years ago and was offered straight commission. That’s what I still get paid. That’s what most every mortgage company pays! And in this market, why on earth would a mortgage company offer a salary or signing bonus? Companies are struggling to survive, they’re not in a position to hand out money just because you feel you deserve it!

So, I say this: Stop it! PUHLEEEEZE! You’re embarrassing yourself in ways too incredible to describe! We actually stopped laughing at you lot some time ago because you’re all so pathetic! Now we just cut the interview short and send you packing.

Truly, we’re considering collecting employment opportunity listings from the Big Box Stores, Fast Food Joints and even local convenience stores just so we can point you all in the right direction: to your new career as cashier, stock clerk or janitor.

Do us—mortgage pro and consumer alike—ALL a favor and get OUT of the mortgage business once and for all! You came in and thought you were gonna party like it’s 1999 when instead you destroyed people’s lives and wrecked an industry.

So, to all you mortgage losers who got in during the boom and (almost but not quite) got out when it went bust: Please Step This Way For Your New Career!